I spent the winter working in Florida. Yes, I know, it was a terrible sacrifice. I had to leave my family in the Frozen North and come here for a job. I arrived in October of last year. My family would text me pictures of their backyards buried under foot after foot of ice and snow, saying, "It's snowing today." And I would go outside and snap a picture of the gorgeous lake outside my window, with the sparkling sunshine and the green grass and trees, and send it to them, saying, "No, it's not."
They only did that a couple of times; don't know why they stopped.
The people here in Tallahassee (Tally, to some), are the friendliest people I have ever met. Anywhere. Friendly and helpful and kind. Constantly. I am adoring this place and these people.
But the other day I met another denizen of Florida. One that I'm not so happy about.
I walked into the break room at work and saw two gigantic Bug-zillas, lying there on their backs, waving their legs and their incredibly long antennae. "What ARE these things?", I squeeked to the co-worker already there. "Florida roaches, also known as palmetto bugs," he replied rather smugly. "We grow'em big in Florida."
I scurried (ugh, too bug-like), I fled in panic (much better) back to my cubicle to google said bug-zilla. And what, to my wondering eyes, did appear? "Don't step on them, that only makes a nasty mess. Don't try to vacuum them up, unless you immediately remove the bag and seal it closed, because they will just crawl back out again. Don't try roach motels because they are too large to fit in through the entrance. Don't try the roach sticky traps; they won't hold these bugs. Try the mice sticky traps; they might be strong enough."
Notice that was "might by", not "will be".
And the final piece of advice: "Your best bet is to stun them with a broom, then sweep them outside."
STUN them. With a BROOM. I live in an extended stay hotel. With Housekeeping services. I don't HAVE a broom!
This was followed by advice for discouraging their presence, such as wrapping your toaster in cling wrap, don't eat anywhere except over the sink, so you can immediately rinse your crumbs down the drain. And then seal the drain. With duct tape. At least, I think that's what it said. By the time I got to this point my eyes were glazed over in terror and I wasn't comprehending the text too well.
I email the article to my daughter, who frequently visits Florida with her in-laws. She sweetly replied that they are also sometimes known as "flying cows". Holy in-coming, Batman! Forget the broom! Where can I buy me a Taser????